The Senate inquiry into police activity at Western Sydney Wanderers matches may have yielded its first major change, with rumours that NSW Police may phase out capsicum spray in favour of ‘Westicides’ designed to eliminate ‘grub’ supporters.

A press release from Vsevolod Biochemical, a leading chemicals manufacturer based in Russia, stated that the company is working with ‘several authorities’ in Australia on a ‘crowd-control substance specifically for football hooligans in Sydney’s west.’

“We’re very excited to work with Australia on Westicides, a more humane method of guaranteeing the safety of football fans, a problem which Russia has already successfully overcome.”

According to the release, Westicide will work by attacking the nervous system of humans which have the ‘grub’ DNA marker, rendering the person paralysed for up to 12 hours. This will allow police and stadium security time to ‘calmly and safely remove affected people from the stands, as well as dramatically improving booking and incarceration rates.’

Professor Linda Burnett, an agricultural expert from University of New England, told FMF that Westicides would give security personnel the upper hand in combating grubs at sporting events, as the chemical’s versatility allows for multiple methods of delivery.

“At the moment police are limited to handheld capsicum spray, which carries the risk of collateral damage as the spray does not discriminate. Since Westicides work on the genetic level, it will only affect those who are preprogrammed to display grub behaviour.

“Therefore with no risk of collateral damage, police can use crop-dusting aircraft to spray entire stadiums and suburbs at once, a much more efficient and safer way to separate troublemakers from those who will watch the game calmly.”

Burnett went on to say that if Westicides proved to be successful, authorities should invest in a range of chemicals which would weed out other undesirables, including those who refuse to purchase stadium alcohol, those who wear English Premier League or La Liga merchandise, and Wellington Phoenix supporters.

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