France lost the Euros 2016 Final this morning, and all of your French mates will undoubtedly be devastated. For Modern Football has your back! Here are five things you must under NO CIRCUMSTANCES say to your French mates this morning, in the wake of their nation’s loss.
NB: for the purposes of this article, we will be referring to your French mate as ‘Pierre’.
1. “France’s loss to Portugal this morning in the Euros 2016 football competition is highly reminiscent of the French defeat in the Battle of Waterloo, where the Napoleonic empire was finally defeated by the Seventh Coalition allied army led by the Duke of Wellington and a Prussian army led by Gebhard Leberecht von Blücher. This defeat marked both the end of Napoleon’s reign, and the end of the First French Empire, and some would say it was the catalyst for the course of history that led to the beginning of World War I. Nevertheless, crushing France did result in an unprecedented era of more than four decades of international peace in Europe. How many sugars would you like in your coffee?”
This is an easy slip up to make. It is hard enough for Pierre to have to deal with one loss this morning, let alone two! Don’t remind him of past French military defeats in your attempts to console him. And definitely don’t ask him how many sugars he wants in his coffee! Pierre has to learn how to take his coffee bitter, because France’s loss to Portugal is certainly a bitter pill to swallow.
2. “I slept with your wife last night while you were watching France’s Euros 2016 defeat to Portugal.”
It is OK to let Pierre know that you are having an affair with his wife, and plan to elope shortly. But you don’t have to break the news just after his nation’s tragic Euros 2016 loss! Show some class and wait a week.
3. “I call baguettes ‘long bread wizard staffs’ and I have no regrets about anything.”
French people like Pierre love and cherish baguettes. I know that we all call them long bread wizard staffs when we’re at home, but saying that to a French person is highly disrespectful. How do you think Pierre will take this figurative spit in the face, only moments after watching Eder score a superb extra-time winner? Remember: the French invented the guillotine and are cruel, cruel people deep down.
4. “It doesn’t matter that France didn’t win, at least they tried their best!”
Pierre does not give two fucks about how hard France “tried”. He is a results driven man, and demands the very same from his beloved sporting teams. Pierre has many second-placed ribbons from high school athletic carnivals stashed in a creepy wooden box underneath his bed, and you saying this only irritates childhood psychological scars.
5. “Think of a number between one and ten. Add five. Take away your original number. Do you have five?”
There was always one dickhead in primary school who thought he was a wizard because he had magical number guessing super powers. Now is not the time, Harry Potter! The only number Pierre can think about right now is the number of goals Portugal scored this morning. You might as well just tell him, “You are thinking of the number one.”
6. “I didn’t even know Portugal was in Europe! I thought it was in South America next to Spain.”
We all have a friend who thinks Portugal and Spain are in South America… don’t be that friend. Pierre has no time for your unbelievably poor geography skills – the man is in a period of mourning. Shut your fly trap and focus on consoling him with an upbeat, acapella version of Eiffel 65’s smash hit ‘Blue (Da Ba Dee)’.
Do you have any more things to NOT say to French people this week? Let us know in the Facebook comments section!