Another four years have passed us by, and how fast they were. Faster than Messi on speed. Faster than Awer Mabil on Powerade (this article is not sponsored by Powerade, but it can be). Alas, it is that magical time again: the FIFA World Cup, Brazil 2014.

Australia will be one of the most represented teams in Brazil, with thousands of fans biting at the chance to hop their way into history alongside the Socceroos.

Unfortunately, Brazil has been marred by some serious safety issues throughout the past century. Shootings are a daily occurrence, while a few days ago a large group of protesters, who are vehemently against the World Cup being hosted in the country, lit off flares, creating destruction and mayhem.

At FMF, we thought it was our social responsibility to compile, for those of you lucky enough to be travelling to Brazil, a conclusive list of all the potential things you should look out for while enjoying the World Cup.

Our process in compiling this list left no stone unturned. We set out our entire team onto Google Images with the search term “Brazil DANGER” to identify some of the common-place threats one might encounter.

Feral tigers who can only be subdued by use of milk

Tigers (panthera Tigris) are a common threat to many countries, however foreign that may seem to us in Australia. They are the largest cat species in existence and recognisable for their distinctive orange and black stripes. Worst of all, they are carnivorous; that means, they like the taste of your rare, under-cooked flesh.

Unfortunately, unlike your neighbour’s cat, these big felines can’t be taken care of with simple rat poison. But before you start panicking, the native people of Brazil have developed a quick and easy means of subduing these wild beasts.

As is illustrated in the image above, a bottle full of milk is the secret weapon. Ensure that when travelling in Brazil, you always have a supply of full-cream (DO NOT BRING SKIM) milk at hand, ready to unleash.

For easier discharge of this milk, it is advisable that you always bring with you a large stash of baby bottles. These are perfectly shaped for the average Brazilian tiger’s mouth, while having easy squirt action so as to satisfy the animal before it has a chance to bite off your hand and/or other limbs.

Irresponsibly bright lighting

 

Copacabana is well know for its delectable, four-kilometer long beach and the equally delectable, barely dressed men and woman who walk its length. However, little has been said to warn Australian tourists about the dangerously lit city line at night, pictured above.

As is well known, particularly after persistent warning from Healthy Harold, bright lights can have a disastrous effect on one’s eyeballs. The light rays, like lasers from Star Wars, sear through your retina and irreparably damage your ability to see; sometimes even reaching through to your brain and causing permanent mental damage.

Illustrated in the picture above, the city line of Copacabana is riddled with such danger. Bright, aggressive LEDs, LCDs and potentially LSDs span across the coast – nobody is spared its Sun-like glow. Do you want to become blind, never able to see your child again? Do you want your brain to become seared, turning you into an idiotic potato of a person?

Fortunately, simple utilisation of sunglasses can prevent all of this potential tragedy. As you will be also needing them during the day, because of the sun (pun intended), having a pair on your body will not  be a waste of space or at all inefficient. Informants have told FMF, however, that anyone seen wearing sun-glasses inside will be immediately punched in the face. Exercise caution.

Armed militant forces who hate Australians

It’s safe to say that no Australian is proud of TV Show, “The Block”, but the people of Brazil have taken much more serious offence to this “reality drama”.

Pictured above is Brazilian militant gang, “Scott Cam Is Shit” – or SCIS for short – a group of armed civilians who believe that Australian TV show, The Block, which focuses on teams of builders who attempt to complete challenges, is an insult to television culture.

Upon hearing that our team was researching the group on Google Images, an anonymous spokesperson from SCIS revealed in a sternly written letter to FMF, “Give me one reason why that merda cabra Scotty Cam has a TV show, when Community has been cancelled! One reason!”

He went on, “The SCIS only has one thing to say to Mr. Scotty Cam and his filthy excuse for television: cala-te cabrao de caralho!”

The SCIS is said to be on the lookout for Australian tourists in Brazil, with the aim of making them pay for their fellow countryman’s television legacy. They are armed and dangerous, so please be careful, and please leave all The Block merchandise at home.

In the words of Scott Cam, himself: let the game’s begin!

Not wearing a protective helmet inside stadiums

Much has been said about the financial burden of stadium-making in Brazil, leading to opposition such as the aforementioned hooligan riots. Similarly, some stadiums have been rushed to completion or not completed at all; for example, the stadium in Curtiba where the Socceroos were scheduled to play at, who’s slow completion almost had it axed. Just earlier this morning, it was reported that the roof of the Itaquerao Stadium will not be finished in time.

For this reason, and the image discovered above, it is most certainly advisable that you wear a protective helmet whenever entering  a stadium in Brazil; be it watching a game, or merely a guided tour. This will protect against potential falling objects, such as bricks, pieces of metal, beers and even vuvuzelas.

The above image illustrates exactly what not to do. One man is wearing no helmet and this photo is likely taken moments before his tragic death, where he was probably killed by a falling roof tile. Meanwhile, the other two are safely within helmets, appreciating their love for life. He is also pictured wearing glasses, evidently after being blinded by the Copacabana city line having not heeded our previous warning. What’s the bet that he doesn’t have milk on him either?

This message of safety has taken a life of its own on social media, with advocates for safe stadium attire uniting under the hashtag: #helmetsaresexy. Unfortunately, ultra groups who claim to be ‘against modern football’ have responded with their own derogatory hashtag: #helmetsareforfaggots, a hashtag that has been rightly criticised around the world. We strongly advise against joining them in their unacceptable homophobic and helmetphobic commentary.

 

Here at FMF, we have compiled for you an easy to use list of potential bargains to be had in the helmet market. Who said helmets are cost prohibitive?

This traditional “Chainsaw brushcutter safety helmet hard hat mesh visor and earmuffs” will only set you back $33, with free, fast delivery! Simple and effective.

Want something more fashion forward? Why not purchase this “NEW FULL FACE MOTORCYCLE HELMET”? Helmet traditionalists might sneer at you, but the hipster inside of you will be delighted – and that’s what matters. You will have to break open your piggy bank though, costing just under $70. But postage is free!

Ever felt like dressing up like a Nazi soldier, while exhibiting safe helmet wearing? Well this “German style skull cap helmet” is just the thing for you! Even better, it is “Gloss carbon five tick approved”! Over 2000 have been sold, so join your fascist brethren for only $60.

Lethal Portuguese mercenary: Ron Aldo

This article has highlighted many reasons to be fearful of one’s travels in Brazil, and the South American country’s crime rate is the stuff of legend. It is unsafe to carry anything of worth while walking through the streets, advisable to go inside as the sun is setting, and asking for a shanking if caught wearing clothing that is not made by your Grandma, and thus completely undesirable.

Even in this post, we have highlighted the dangers of the SCIS militant group who target Australians exclusively. You, my friend, might be in Brazil but your life is in Danger.

Though while it is advisable to be on constant lookout for armed petty thieves and organised crime, our research has revealed the existence of another threat (pictured above), described by many as having “the most lethal shot in the world”.

It appears that this deceivingly well-groomed man goes under the gang-name, Ron Aldo – potentially imitating famous Italian mobster names from the fifties.

It is rumoured that, if  lucky, instead of shooting you Mr. Aldo might instead kidnap and torture you until your ransom is paid. Unfortunately, research on Simple English Wikipedia describes that his “release clause” is close to one billion pounds.

Other adjectives used to describe this mercenary:

  • Fast as lightning
  • Deadly
  • Breath-taking (potentially, referring to some sort of strangling technique)
  • Mother-having-relations-with-er (censored)
  • Pretty

The good news is: research suggests Ron Aldo is prone to collapsing spontaneously for no real reason, and rolling around on the floor. If you see him coming at you, this is your only hope.

Invading giants

 

We have saved the most terrifying for last. Pictured above is an exclusive Google Image shot, clearly depicting a blood-thirsty giant invading the city of Rio. People speak of this giant with much fear, describing its potential “second coming”. Whether this happens in June 2014, who knows?

The above photo is not some sort of scaling, perspective tom-foolery. This behemoth indeed loomed like a colossal statue over the city and we can only imagine the sort of devastation which was delivered by his every footstep. Estimations suggest that millions were killed.

The locals of Rio shiver as they recall what is now ominously referred to as “The Crucifixion”. Others describe how calls of “Jesus Christ!” echoed across the city, as they evidently realised their impending death.

If this giant invades again, while you are in Brazil, what can you do?

Absolutely nothing. You’re royally screwed.

The author of this piece is on Twitter. Please contact him for more exclusive safety tips: @userlastname