Ticketek has promised A-League fans they’ll be able to purchase tickets to Sunday’s blockbuster A-League Grand Final before the single web server they use totally dies in the arse.

Ticketek spokesperson Tyron Warrell told reporters Sunday evening the company’s IT team has provided guarantees the company’s website – centered around one woefully-inadequate server purchased in 1991 – will be able to survive the deluge of Melbourne Victory and Sydney FC fans before the whole thing cocks up royally.

“In the past, fans have suffered when our website has either crashed or lagged, tarnishing what should otherwise be a magical day,” Warrell said. “But this year will be different. Our skilled engineering team has cleared all the spyware out of our server, installed an extra CD-ROM drive and even went so far as to give the fucking thing a good kick in the sides.

“We’re confident A-League supporters will be able to secure their spot at the Grand Final in the two minutes before the server completely shits itself.”

FFA spokesperson Sarah Hamill praised the professionalism of Ticketek when contacted by FMF, saying the Grand Final’s relatively meager allotment of 30,000 tickets means Ticketek’s infrastructure should have to handle less traffic than usual.

“If this was being held at a venue like Etihad Stadium, there would be concerns over whether every fan would be able to buy a ticket due to potential technical issues. By hosting the Grand Final at AAMI Park, we’ve given Ticketek a helping hand in making sure there are no glitches when tickets go on sale.”