Attempting to brace themselves against the waves of fan vitriol crashing into the sea walls of Whitlam Square, Football Federation Australia called an emergency press conference Wednesday afternoon to announce resource billionaires Gina Rinehart and Andrew Forrest will be approached to take over the Newcastle Jets’ A-League license, ‘because what else could fucking go wrong?’

Speaking to journalists inside a packed media room, much-maligned FFA spokesperson Clive Umani said the administration was adamant the consistent appointment of billionaires who have made their fortune from the volatile resource industry was the most stable approach for the immature A-League, so “we’re just going to YOLO it” by approaching two of the biggest remaining mining magnates in the country.

“Rinehart and Forrest represent two of the best chances we have of rescuing the Jets. We’re absolutely confident following the exact same strategy that saw us net some of our most colourful owners such as Clive Palmer and of course Mr Tinkler will result in a completely different outcome.

“Besides, the Jets are up shit creek as it is. So why the fuck not?”

The Jets continue to reel, with coaches Clayton Zane,  Neil Young and Andrew Packer being sacked by Nathan Tinkler on Wednesday afternoon amidst reporters of an imminent player strike. When journalists asked Umani what FFA thought of these latest developments, Umani was dismissive, saying FFA were saving themselves for more critical situations, such as unauthorised displays of ethnicity.